You Don't Attract What You Want. You Attract What You BE.

You can want love with every fiber of your being.

You can visualize it. Journal about it. Create vision boards filled with couples walking on beaches at sunset.

You can affirm it every morning: I am worthy of love. I attract healthy relationships. My soulmate is on the way.

And still—love doesn't come.

Or worse, it comes in forms that look nothing like what you asked for. Another emotionally unavailable man. Another situation that requires you to shrink. Another version of the same painful pattern wearing a different face.

Why?

Because wanting something doesn't attract it.

Being something does.

The Manifestation Myth

We've been sold a seductive lie about attraction.

The lie says: Get clear on what you want. Believe you deserve it. Take aligned action. And the universe will deliver.

It sounds beautiful. Empowering even.

But it's incomplete.

Because attraction doesn't work at the level of desire. It works at the level of frequency.

You don't attract what you want. You don't even attract what you believe you deserve.

You attract what you are.

Your energetic state—the frequency you're broadcasting every moment of every day—is the actual signal that determines what shows up in your life.

And here's the uncomfortable truth:

If you keep attracting the same patterns in love, it's not because you want the wrong things or believe the wrong beliefs.

It's because there's a gap between who you're being and who you'd need to be to attract what you say you want.

The Gap No One Talks About

Let me make this concrete.

A woman comes to me and says: "I want a man who is emotionally available, secure, and ready for commitment."

Beautiful. Clear. Specific.

But when I look at how she's actually being in her dating life, I see something different:

She's chasing men who show early signs of avoidance—because the pursuit feels familiar.

She's over-functioning in the first few dates—because she doesn't trust that who she is will be enough.

She's ignoring her body's signals that something is off—because she's more committed to potential than to truth.

She's operating from anxiety, scarcity, and fear of being alone—not from wholeness, sovereignty, and trust.

She wants secure love. But she's being someone who doesn't trust that secure love is available to her.

And the universe responds to who she's being, not what she's wanting.

This isn't judgment. This is mechanics.

The BE → DO → HAVE Formula

This is why I teach the BE → DO → HAVE paradigm instead of the HAVE → DO → BE paradigm most people operate from.

Most people think:

When I HAVE love, I'll DO things differently, and then I'll BE happy/whole/complete.

They're waiting for love to arrive so they can finally feel like themselves.

But it works the other way around.

First, you BE. You embody the frequency of the woman who already has what you desire. You operate from wholeness, not lack. You show up as the woman who doesn't need love to complete her—but who is open to love expanding her.

Then, you DO. From that state of being, your actions naturally shift. You stop chasing. You stop over-functioning. You stop ignoring red flags. You start making decisions aligned with your design, not your wounds.

Then, you HAVE. The external reality reorganizes to match your internal state. You attract differently because you are different.

This isn't magic. It's frequency.

What Human Design Reveals About Being

This is where Human Design becomes essential.

Because "being yourself" sounds simple—but most of us have no idea who we actually are underneath all the conditioning.

We've been shaped by:

• What our families needed us to be

• What our culture rewarded us for being

• What our past relationships required us to become

• What we learned to perform to survive

The woman you've been being in love might have very little to do with who you actually are by design.

Human Design strips away the conditioning and shows you your authentic energetic blueprint:

Your Type reveals your essence—how you're designed to interact with the world and attract opportunities.

Your Authority reveals your inner compass—how you're meant to make decisions that are correct for you.

Your Profile reveals your role—your natural way of moving through relationships and life.

Your Love Gates reveal your love themes—the specific frequencies through which you experience and express love.

When you understand your design, you stop trying to BE someone you're not. You stop performing for love. You stop contorting yourself into shapes that feel exhausting to maintain.

And you start operating from your authentic frequency.

That's when attraction actually works.

The Woman Who Stopped Wanting and Started Being

I had a client—brilliant woman, executive at a Fortune 500, had done years of therapy and personal development work.

She came to me frustrated. "I've done everything right. I'm clear on what I want. I've healed my attachment wounds. I believe I deserve love. Why isn't it working?"

When we looked at her Human Design, everything clicked.

She's a Projector with Emotional Authority.

As a Projector, she's designed to wait for recognition and invitation—not to pursue. But she'd been treating dating like a project to manage, bringing her executive energy to her love life, initiating and strategizing and driving outcomes.

With Emotional Authority, she's designed to ride her emotional wave before making decisions—never from the highs or lows, only from clarity. But she'd been making decisions quickly, efficiently, the way she made decisions at work.

She was being her work self in love. And wondering why she kept attracting men who saw her as capable and impressive but never truly intimate.

The shift wasn't about wanting something different.

It was about being someone different—specifically, being who she actually was by design.

When she stopped initiating and started waiting for recognition, different men showed up.

When she stopped making quick decisions and started honoring her wave, she made clearer choices.

When she stopped performing capability and started allowing herself to be seen in her depth, intimacy became possible.

Same woman. Same desire. Completely different results.

Because she changed who she was being.

The Frequency Check

Here's a question I want you to sit with this week:

Who are you being in love—and is that who you actually are?

Not who you've learned to be. Not who you think you need to be to be chosen. Not who you perform to avoid rejection.

Who are you, really, when all the masks come off?

And is that the woman who shows up on dates, in relationships, in matters of the heart?

If there's a gap, that's not a problem to shame yourself for. That's information.

That gap is where the work lives.

From Wanting to Being

I want love for you. Not the watered-down version. Not the "good enough" version. The real thing.

But I've learned—through my own eight engagements and one divorce, through working with hundreds of women, through studying the mechanics of attraction—that wanting isn't enough.

You have to become.

Not become someone new. Become who you actually are.

Strip away the conditioning. Understand your design. Operate from your authentic frequency.

And watch what you attract shift.

Because you don't attract what you want.

You attract what you BE.

Going Deeper

This week on the Love By Design podcast, Episode 3 drops: "The Foundation Myth: Why More Healing Won't Save Your Love Life."

It's about the trap of endless self-improvement—and what actually shifts when you stop trying to fix yourself and start understanding your design.

If you've been doing "all the things" and wondering why love still feels hard, this episode is for you.

The foundation isn't more healing. It's alignment.

And alignment starts with being who you actually are.

Joan Nwosu is a Human Design Dating Expert and creator of Become The Aligned One™. She teaches high-achieving women to stop performing for love and start attracting it through alignment with their authentic energetic design. Her signature phrase—"You don't attract what you want, you attract what you BE"—is the foundation of everything she teaches.

🎙️ Listen: Love By Design Podcast — "The Foundation Myth: Why More Healing Won't Save Your Love Life"

💎 Discover your Dating Archetype HERE